How to Find a Sponsor: A Guide to Building a Strong Foundation in Sobriety
Finding the right sponsor is one of the most important steps you’ll take in your recovery journey through Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.). A sponsor is a trusted guide—someone who has walked the path of recovery before you and can offer their experience, strength, and hope to help you navigate your own journey. But how do you go about finding the right sponsor, and what should you look for? Based on my twelve years of sobriety and my personal experiences, this article will walk you through the process of finding a sponsor, along with a list of essential dos and don’ts to help you make the best choice.
Before diving into how to find a sponsor, it’s important to understand what a sponsor does. A sponsor is more than just a mentor—they are someone who has worked through the 12 Steps and can help guide you through them as well. They provide guidance, support, and accountability, especially in the early stages of sobriety when you might feel uncertain, confused, or vulnerable.
A sponsor shares their personal experiences in recovery, rather than giving advice or opinions. This is a key difference—A.A. is built on the principle of shared experience. Your sponsor won’t tell you what to do, but will instead share what has worked for them and offer suggestions based on their own journey.
A good sponsor will:
Now that we have a clear understanding of what a sponsor does, let’s dive into the process of finding one that is right for you.
A.A. meetings are the best place to find a sponsor. Attending regular meetings allows you to observe people who have the kind of sobriety you want to achieve. Listen to how people share their stories, how they carry themselves, and the insights they offer. You’ll likely come across someone whose experiences resonate with you, and that’s a good indication that they might be a good fit for you as a sponsor.
In my early recovery, my first sponsor was someone I had heard sharing during a meeting. His words struck a chord with me. He spoke with humility, shared openly about his struggles and successes, and offered practical wisdom that aligned with what I was looking for in a mentor. I approached him after the meeting, and that conversation eventually led to him becoming my sponsor. He guided me through the early stages of my sobriety, always emphasizing the importance of family and personal responsibility. He was instrumental in helping me build a strong foundation for my recovery.
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A good rule of thumb is to choose someone who has the kind of sobriety you want to achieve. Sobriety isn’t just about not drinking—it’s about living a fulfilling, balanced, and meaningful life. Look for a sponsor who embodies qualities you admire. Do they have healthy relationships? Are they consistent in their commitments? Do they show kindness, humility, and a sense of service?
For me, one of the things I admired most about my sponsor was how he always put his family first. He reminded me of the importance of being present for my children, and as a result, I made a conscious effort to do the same. Now, twelve years on, I can see the positive impact this focus has had on my relationship with my children and step-children. They’ve grown into responsible, capable adults, and I’m grateful for the guidance I received early on from my sponsor.
Another aspect to consider is how your potential sponsor manages their spirituality and emotional well-being. In my own journey, I’ve found spirituality to be an essential part of my sobriety. Over the years, I’ve explored different spiritual practices, including Vipassana meditation, which has been transformative for me. If spirituality is important to you, look for a sponsor who can support that aspect of your recovery.
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Compatibility is key when choosing a sponsor. You don’t have to be best friends with your sponsor, but you do need to feel comfortable talking openly and honestly with them. Sobriety requires vulnerability, and your sponsor should be someone you trust with your deepest struggles and fears.
Think about how your personalities align. Are they someone who will push you when you need it but also show compassion when you’re struggling? Are they approachable and easy to talk to? Do they challenge you to grow, but also respect your boundaries? These are important considerations when choosing a sponsor.
When I was looking for my first sponsor, I knew I needed someone who would hold me accountable but also understand that I had to prioritize my family. My sponsor was a father himself, and he understood the importance of balancing recovery with personal responsibilities. This compatibility made our relationship work well, and I always felt supported, even when I faced challenges outside of the program.
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Sometimes, even with the best intentions, the sponsor-sponsee relationship may not work out. This can happen for a variety of reasons—perhaps you’ve outgrown the relationship, or maybe you’re not getting the guidance you need. If that happens, it’s okay to find a new sponsor.
I’ve seen people hold on to their sponsors out of loyalty, even when the relationship is no longer serving them. It’s important to remember that your recovery comes first. If you feel like you need a different perspective or more support, it’s perfectly fine to seek out a new sponsor.
For example, after a few years of working with my first sponsor, I realized that I needed to explore more in terms of spirituality. While my first sponsor was great for my early sobriety, I wanted to go deeper into practices like meditation and mindfulness, which weren’t his areas of focus. I found a new sponsor who had experience with these practices, and this change helped me grow in new ways.
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