The Fearful One
WHEN I was 21, I was taken suddenly
and violently ill and was ill for seven years. As a result of this illness I was left with a
poorish nervous system and a curious phobia. As this has a large place in my story, I will
try to explain it clearly. After I had been ill some months, I grew strong enough to get out
of doors a little each day, but found I couldn't get farther than the nearest corner without
becoming totally panic stricken. As soon as I turned back home the panic would vanish. I
gradually overcame this particular phase of the trouble by setting myself longer distances
to walk each day. Similarly I learned later to take short street car rides, then longer
ones, and so forth, until I appeared to be doing most of the things other people do daily.
But the things I did not have to do each day, or at least frequently, remained unconquered
and a source of great but secret embarrassment to me.
So I went on for years, planning always to sidestep the things I was afraid of, but
concealing my fear from everyone. Those years of illness were not all total invalidism. I
made a good living part of the time, but was continually falling down and having to get up
and start over again. The whole process gave me a licked feeling, especially when, towards
the end of my twenties, I had to give up the presidency of a small company which was just
turning the corner to real success.
Shortly after this I was successfully operated on and became a
physically well man. But the surgeon did not remove the phobia, that remained with me.
During the period of my illness I was not especially interested in liquor. I was not a
teetotaler, but I was just a "social drinker." However, when I was about thirty, my mother
died. I went to pieces as I had become very dependent on my parents through my illness. When
I began to get on my feet again I discovered that whiskey was a fine relief from the
terrific nervous headaches I had developed. Long after the headaches were gone, however, I
kept discovering other difficulties for which whiskey was a grand cure. During the ensuing
ten years I once, by sheer will power, remained dry for five weeks.
I had many business opportunities during those ten years which, although I tried to keep
them in my grasp, slipped through my fingers. A lovely wife came and went. She tried her
best and our baby's birth put me on my mettle for all of six months, but after that, worse
and more of it. When my wife finally took the baby and left, did I square my shoulders and
go to work to prove to her and to the world that I was a man? I did not. I stayed drunk for
a solid month.
The next two years were simply a drawn-out process of less and less work and more and more
liquor. They ended eventually at the home of a very dear friend whose family were out of
town. I had been politely but firmly kicked out of the house where I had been boarding, and
although I seemed to be able to find
money to buy drinks with, I couldn't find enough to pay advance room
rent anywhere.
One night, sure my number was up, I chucked my "pride" and told this friend a good deal of
my situation. He was a man of considerable means and he might have done what many men would
have in such a case. He might have handed me fifty dollars and said that I ought to pull
myself together and make a new start. I have thanked God more than once that that was just
what he did not do.
Instead, he took me out, bought me three more drinks, put me to bed and yanked me bodily out
of town the next noon to a city 200 miles away and into the arms of one of the most
extraordinary bunch of men in the United States. Here, while in the hospital, men with clear
eyes and happy faces came to see me and told me the story of their lives. Some of them were
hard to believe, but it didn't take a lot of brain work to see they had something I could
use. And it was so simple. The sum and substance of it seemed to be that if I would turn to
God, it was very probable that He could do a better job with my life than I had.
When I got out of the hospital, I was invited to stay in the home of one of the fellows.
Here I found myself suddenly and uncontrollably seized with the old panic. I was in a
strange house, in a strange city, and fear gripped me. I shut myself up in my room. I
couldn't sit down, I couldn't stand up, I couldn't lie down, couldn't leave because I had
nowhere to go and no money to take me. Any attempt at reasoning accomplished nothing.
Suddenly in this maelstrom I grasped
at a straw. Maybe God would help me-just maybe, mind you. I was willing to give Him a
chance, but with considerable doubt. I got down on my knees-something I hadn't done in
thirty years. I asked Him if He would let me hand over all these fears and this panic to
Him. I lay down on the bed and went to sleep like a baby. An hour later I awoke to a new
world. I could scarcely credit my senses, but that terrible phobia which had wrecked my life
for eighteen years, was gone. Utterly gone. And in its place was a power and fearlessness
which is a bit hard to get accustomed to.
All that happened nearly eight years ago. In those six months a new life has opened before
me. It isn't that I have been cured of an ordinarily incurable disease. I have found a joy
in living that has nothing to do with money or material success. I know that incomparable
happiness that comes from helping some other fellow get straightened out. Don't get me
wrong. We are not a bunch of angels. None of us has any notion of becoming such. But we know
that we can never go completely back to old ways because we are traveling upward through
service to others and in trying to be honest, decent, and loving toward the world, instead
of sliding and slipping around in a life of drinking, cheating, lying and doing what we
like.
(Note: Archie's story was renamed "The Man Who Mastered Fear" in later editions.)